Posts Tagged pain
My History with Anger and How I Finally Decided To Let Go of My Anger, Part 1: Growing Up in a Household of Anger
Anger. What a self-destructive emotion.
Yet, many of us seem to carry anger with us like it’s a part of our identity. Many of us seem to wear anger like it’s a self-enhancing booster, an accolade of superiority, and a natural part of being human (it isn’t).
Read More: http://personalexcellence.co/blog/anger/
Most of us feel upset and resentful from time to time, and for some that feeling seems to almost always be with us. The word “resent” means literally to refeel, so those who carry resentments are simply replaying unhappy times in their lives over and over again. One lady I worked with at one time kept saying to me, “But how can I feel happy when my husband is gone.” I would usually tell her that she could feel sad that he was no longer with her, but she could begin to let go of the constant feelings of grief. She insisted that wasn’t possible. She would tell me that no matter how engrosing whatever she was doing was, she would also be thinking of how much she missed her husband and about all the things she wished she had done differently in her life with him..
It is very difficult to shift our thinking from one channel to another, but it can be done with lots and lots of practice. The process can begin with the realization that no matter how hard we work at it, we can not change reality. My patient’s husband was not going to come back, and she would never be able to change the way her life with him had been. By spending so much of her energy resenting the fact that he was gone, she was in effect poisoning the current monments in her life. We talked about the fact that her husband would not have wanted her to think that way, and gradually she began to see that she could begin to shift her thinking to more positive thoughts.
Many people allow their thinking to get stuck in certain tracks, and they come to believe that it is not possible to change this. Their take on life is that they feel what they feel, and there is no way to feel differently. In recent years, science has come a long way toward proving that what we think determines what plays out in our lives. It doesn’t do so directly, of course, or we would all be winning the lottery all the time. But when we think we are helpless to change our thinking, we find that is true in our lives. When we begin to think about all the ways we might be able to shift our thought processes, we find we can do that occasionally. Since practice makes perfect, we find that our ability to change our thinking can grow.
To give you an example of how this words, I will tell you that my parents lived through the “great depression” just prior to my birth. It colored their lives and I grew up thinking that no matter how much I had, it was never enough. Eventually I realized that my thoughts were always of scarcity, so scarcity was what I attracted to my life. I worked very hard at shifting my thoughts to abundant thinking. I would get mail from many worthy causes asking for donations. In the past, I always felt that I did not have enough to give funds away. Slowly I sifted my thinking to the realization that I might not have much, but I had more than many others, so I opted to share the little I had. Since I was sending out abundant thoughts into the universe, the abundance in my life grew and grew.
If you have decided you want to learn to control your own thoughts (which will indeed change the way you view life and the people in it) you can begin by taking baby steps and progress from there. Whenever, you find your thinking is going around and around like a hampster on a wheel, tell youself that you would like to change the way you are thinking. The way that works best for me is to ask for help from a power greater than myself. I simply say, “Please help me not think this way.” It helps if you have some more positive thoughts available. Think about something for which you are grateful. Think, perhaps, about the reward you will give yourself when you have achieved a change in thinking. Above all else, do not be discouraged when your thoughts shift back into an old rut. Simply allow yourself to be aware that this has happened, and try again. It will work if you work at it.
Sherry – About the Author:
I’m a retired senior, married 53 years, and have three sons and two grand children. I’ve written all my life but have only published two books and one workbook. I worked over 20 years as an addictions’ counselor. My most recent book is of scripture based daily meditations and is titled “Talks with our Creator.” Information about the book can be found at http://www.Sherryschultz377.com/MyBookBlog.
Re-post of origional article…..
Change hurts. It makes people insecure, confused, and angry. People want things to be the same as they’ve always been, because that makes life easier, they feel safer. But, in doing so it creates a “limbo world” no one learns, moves forward or grows. Fears are not faced and therefore never overcome, others may be held in positions that are unhealthy or uncomfortable, preventing their own natural growth, people should learn from but not hold on to the past.
Inspiration and Chai
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Bonnie Ware is the author of the the new book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Visit her official website Inspiration and Chai.
Article sourced: Activist Post